Hey all. Okay so I know posts about dreams you've had are really annoying and nobody ever reads them, but I just have to get this one out of me. I had it last night and it creeped me out so much. I keep thinking it's real.

So, it all took place in my house, but it was kind of like Haverford too, like a big dorm and tons of kids lived in it, including Eric and a few of my friends (my room was still my room though). So, Eric and I were just hanging out doing regular type stuff, and Byron (our friend from school) came in and asked to talk to Eric privately. 20 minutes went by and this didn't seem normal so I went out to find them and it turns out they had gone to the campus bookstore and were FUCKING EACH OTHER. Yes, full blown gay sex. In the bookstore behind a bunch of used textbooks. And if that wasn't weird enough, they were both wearing enormous animal slippers. :S

I pull him away and find out that he was enjoying himself. I am upset and confused and we go to my room to talk about stuff, and as we're about to get there, Eric ALL OF A SUDDEN in the blink of an eye changes into PIMP CLOTHES. Yes, in case you were wondering, a pimp hat, a purple zebra skin coat, and a cane are involved. And he goes "yo, ima go downstairs to play a pimpin' video game". Eric hates video games. He goes downstairs and there are all these nasty drunk high school kids playing this porno video game and he's so into it and I'm left all alone in my room. Then there was this whole part about these circus duck-chimps but I won't go into that.

Anyway, I've been creeped out all day. I made the mistake of telling Eric about it when he called and now he's SO upset. He's all upset because I projected all these terrible things, all together onto HIM in my dream and he thinks that I subconciously hate him or something. Because he sure as hell isn't into gay sex, he hates video games and he definitely hates pimp clothes. I don't know. Just ew. I hope you all enjoyed my sexy dream! :)

( In 2006 I... )

HEY GUYZZZZ i'm b-back, and d-drunk.

I'm so over this eating crap. I feel like a fucking fool sometimes doing the shit I do; yet I love it and wouldn't give it up if it meant being fat. Silly silly. Wouldn't it be great to eat too much pizza one night and the next day think "I'll eat a little healthier today" or "I'll work out a bit longer this time"? But my eating crap is so entangled with how I suck balls, and at this point it'd be more difficult to remove the eating disorder from the picture than to live with it. So for now, I'll continue to binge on this ice cream and toast and eat nothing tomorrow. At least I have something constructive to focus my energy on. At least I can impact the world in some way, even if it's just with my substance and the amount of space it takes up. Peace out, fatties. Sometimes I want to die. But it's the seahorses and ripples in the earth and shades of blue that keep me here.

Don't you just love it when in films they replace "god damn" with "dog gone"? I do I do! In other news, white wine is so much better than red. My parents are so drunk they didn't even notice that I opened a second bottle and took half of it. They're finishing it off right now.

I'm waiting to find out if I get back into Haverford for next semester. Leaving that place marked the biggest tragedy my life has seen. Everything for me was there, and still is and I constantly feel like there's a huge chunk of me missing, lurking in a hallway or a kitchen at my old college. I was going to say classroom but...hah. I really do think I'm going to do well this time, though. I know I've said it countless times, and I know nobody else believes me, but I just want another chance. My parents hold it over my head every hour of every day. I can't even watch tv without my mom telling me that I'm sitting on the couch because I've failed one too many times.

My life is over there. My love, my friends, my comfort, my fun. I love Vancouver but really, I don't do a thing with myself here. I close up and my personality dissolves. I like myself over there; I open up, I think, I do drugs, I find things out about myself and the world, I learn. I feel like a real, credible, only sort of fucked up person. Even my eating didn't seem to matter much when I was out there. I've been gone for so long. My life has been so shitty in the year or so I've been away that I really think I'll appreciate what I have over there...I think I'll do well.

Got prescribed anti-depressants yesterday; my dad's picking them up from the drug store right now. I don't think I'm going to take them, though. They take three weeks to reach the "threshold level" and I'm horrible at remembering to take pills anyway. That's why I like real drugs because you can generally feel them immediately. Sometimes it's nice to feel things for a change. Things that seem real because they noteably change how your body and mind feel. I mean that's not really why I generally do drugs...only when I'm depressed and looney. I hate saying "do drugs" because it makes it seem like I do them all the time. But really I've been able to find out a lot about myself and about you know, "things" because of psychedelics. I can just peel back all the excess layers of myself and lay that real self out right in front of me to ponder over. Whenever Eric and I trip together, it plays out in the same way. It's like we deviate into this little side-world and act out this play. It always involves him on the bed and me on the floor, he coaxing me to come on the bed with him while I laugh and tell him how cute he is. I miss him.

A LOT A LOT A LOT :(

Goodnight, or maybe not yet, as I'm drinking and I'll probably end up thinking "OMG LJ i haven't updayyyytid in like FOREVER!!!! :D :D :D"

So my parents have locked themselves in the living room to discuss me. They're using their serious whisper voices so I know it's bad. Thus, I have taken great pleasure in filling out this wonderfully long and very telling survey. :) I particularly like the Honesty/Crime section. :D


( sweet jaysu kreest, i am glad i did this )

It's often hilarious to watch guys put on sunscreen or lip balm. They just don't get it! Smear, smear, rub, rub, squish, drip.

I'm here in Philly visiting Eric. Right now I'm getting drunk by myself in his room while everyone else is having a party in the living room because I'm so horribly socially reclusive lately. I thought I was getting better but in fact I'm declining rapidly and nobody even notices. Eric's the only one who notices anything and now thanks to my blabber mouth he thinks I'm a basket case. Well actually I'm just in a bad mood; we actually had a pretty great conversation about things, most especially my eating. He kind of knew before...I had told him that I was diagnosed blah blah when i was 15 and that I still was a a bit messed up like that but we talked for hours and hours and hours last night about it and he really understands it now. He's definitely the first non eating disordered person who's ever even approached the issue from the right angle. He's so cute, he's trying to help me do "healthy fasts"! :) He suggested not eating for 5 days and then eating just fruit for 2 days and repeating it. Before last night he'd always be like HAVE YOU EATEN ANYTHING YET TODAY?? But now that we talked he almost cried because he felt so guilty for saying things like that. :( He's the best.

Beer number 3, and I'm still typing without mistakes! Oh Christ I just realized how shitty I am. Again. I think I'm fine with just staying in here all night getting sloppy. At least the bathroom's close. And at least my music is so much fucking better than theirs. Win win!

Love,
Erica

well i don't know why i love you like i do
nobody in the world can get along with you
you got the ways of a devil sleeping in a lion's den
i came home last night you wouldn't even let me in

well sometimes you're as sweet as anybody want to be
when you get a crazy notion of jumpin all over me
well you give me the blues i guess you're satisfied
an' you give me the blues i wanna lay down and die

i helped you when you had no shoes on your feet, pretty mama
i helped you when you had no food to eat
you're the kind of woman i just don't understand
you're takin all my money and give it to another man

well you're the kinda woman makes a man lose his brain
you're the kinda woman drives a man insane
you give me the blues, i guess you're satisfied
you give me the blues, i wanna lay down and die

well you give me the blues, i wanna lay down and die

Hello my lovelies!

I just thought you all should know that I'm seeing my fucking boyfriend for the first time since June in THREE FUCKING DAYS. Fuck yes. My mind is definitely not going to be here until I'm there, if that makes sense. I have a large pile of shit to do before then, and I can almost guarantee that I will suspend reality until I land in Philly and end up not getting any of it done. Hell, a few days is nothing...I've done it for months before. Hah, I just remembered a time in grade 2 when my teacher accused me of cheating because I spelled all my words right. I decided to make a deliberate mistake to make her like me so I spelled the word "months" like "monthes" and then crossed out the e like I had figured it out. It worked.

A9OE83YQ312OY8ay983@#^Q#TE I'm so giddily excited to visit Eric. He's the first person who has ever really known me and he's the fucking love of my life and it's not fair that we can only see each other a few times a year. I want to punch the wall but instead I'll eat the rest of this brownie. Cos dats how anaz deel with der problemz! Well if I'm horrible enough to have binged all week before seeing him the very least I can do is not eat Wednesday and Thursday so I won't look like a starving African child. Who is fat. :(

Key lime pie,
Erica

Do you ever wonder about the girls written about in poems and sung about in songs? They always sound so lovely and interesting and worthy of love and other nice things. I want to know if they're real and who they're friends with. What music do they listen to, what do they wear and what do they do in the evenings?

This makes me sad. Why can't I be cool and interesting and worth something?